in Musings

Life’s been sort of weird these last few weeks. I’m back with my parents in Pittsburgh, getting ready to move to Seattle for real and good next week. Most of my time has involved sorting things from my childhood bedroom into trash-donation-keep piles, applying for jobs, or avoiding one of the two. Also watching Battlestar Galactica with my dad. I’ve made Sim houses and Sim families and lists (to-do, box contents, etc) and done some sewing for mending or clothing alterations and that’s about it.

I spent the last of my time in Bloomington packing and getting rid of stuff, and then as soon as I got here I started packing and getting rid of stuff, and once I get to Seattle I’ll be helping my partner get rid of yet more stuff - we’re hoping to move to a different apartment once I get a job. Goodbye, artifacts of my past. I feel this obligation to want to hang onto things, but also an intense desire to stop having to deal with all these piles of crap. It’s easier here, where my room is full of things that haven’t been part of my daily life in six years. If I didn’t miss it before, I won’t miss it in the future.

It feels strange to be back here. I thought I’d try to contact some of my old friends here and spend time with them, but I felt really strange about it. I thought I’d have this free time and energy to get things done and I’ve felt really strange about that, too, unable to make plans or sustain motivation. I’m not sure it helps that my mom was laid off in December and my dad just retired from his job, so my parents are around all day long and I’d gotten pretty used to living independently. I’m sure it doesn’t help that I’m in a suburb with nothing in walking distance (and no sidewalks anyway), including access to public transportation. Just going outside I feel surrounded by the eyes of people who knew me when I was ten years old.

I feel sort of…stuck, in a place where I’m not what I was and don’t know how to be what I’ve become, and I’m not sure what to do about it except leave on Tuesday.

I’ve never really been good with transitions, especially drawn-out ones. If something’s going to change I just want it to happen and be over so I can deal with it and move on. Drawn-out goodbyes, sitting in airports, waiting for approval or instructions, they are not experiences I enjoy.